Colorful Offset Diamond
Another example of a ;specific turning point in my work.

 

Right, like I was saying, I can't force ideas on myself. With that said, don't expect any consistency. I plan on posting when inspiration strikes.

Trusting the process and learning to go with the flow has always been a natural thing for me, but it was difficult letting go before I experienced it for the first time. Everything is on it's own timeline, all at the same time. Sometimes, the less we mess with it, the faster it will blossom all on its own.

It's a beautiful process, and something I've become quiet fond of observing. Much more on that later, especially because of how it connects to creativity and healing.

Being in an abusive relationship offered me a whole new perspective on knowing when it is safe to let go.

Recognizing that knowledge is power means that creating awareness about abusive behaviors with my clients, with the intent on how to recognize them, and what to do if you encounter them, becomes part of my daily work.

Some life skills are not taught in school, which means that if you don't have any exposure to them (like emotional management, or identifying who is safe to trust), you won't have the opportunity to develop the skills.

This can lead to being taken advantage of by anyone that does not have your best interests in mind. The thing that makes this a problem, is the abuse is cloaked as love.

It's difficult to explain and a bit confusing because abusers often blend the behaviors in, and gently integrate the abuse (typically using disapproval or criticism) into your relationship.

Colorful Offset Diamond close-up.

 

Why am I telling you this? It's all about knowledge sharing.

I was once in an abusive marriage, and recognizing the behaviors is the thing that changed everything.

I was deeeeply in love with this man. I built a life with him with the intent of it being forever. I helped him through his troubled times, supported his ideas and conquests, and empathized with him as he told me all of the problems his work associates, friends, and family were creating for him, right up until the last time he was in my house.

What I didn't know is that he was lying to me, and sharing false information about me to change how others viewed me and what they thought of me. He mentally, emotionally, and sexually abused me, showed constant disapproval of my decisions, regularly insulted me, and remained critical of me. It was done under the premise of advice and input.

It just goes on and on. It was an awful experience. I became so beaten down and exhausted that there was no fight left.

And that's not me.

Border close-up
Borders are so fun! So many opportunities to experiment.

 

I'm cheerful, easy-going, curious, friendly, an intellectual, kind, passionate, creative, and I enjoy talking to people (facilitates the whole being a therapist thing...). My moment of clarity arrived when I realized how far from myself I was, that I no longer recognized myself.

I've done the work, and looking back on it leaves me at peace because I know that if I can survive that, I can survive just about anything. I understand why he invested time and energy into treating me poorly, and knowing in my heart that my sole intent was never anything other than pure unconditional love is the beauty of forgiveness.

It sucks being taken advantage of, but the lesson was not lost on me; listen to people when they show you who they are, the first time. The formula is simple, it's just a matter of seeing the behaviors and naming them.

I'm going to share a quick story to bring light to some behaviors. To be effective, abuse must be personal and hit where it hurts, so it is important for me to be vulnerable and describe personal details, because it needs to be in the proper context to be understood completely.

Sharp color contrast in geometric stripes against the whimsical quilting in the background offers great balance and dynamic movement.

 

Abusers study us by paying close attention while cataloging our preferences only to weaponize them as needed. They work hard at this shit.

This is a story from the last time I picked up my son from his weekly supervised visitation with his father. Naturally, meeting in a public place is a good idea, and I saw the three of them approaching me. I reached for my phone to check my calendar just as my ex announced that my son told him he no longer wants to visit him, in that accusatory "don't bother" tone, which I had forgotten about.

My son has the final say on whether he sees his father or not. I looked at him and smiled for putting some of those new assertive language skills we were working on to use. I put my phone back in my pocket, and without a moments hesitation, my ex began aggressively reminding me that visitation is required. He knows that isn't true; it was merely an attempt to get me to second guess myself, hoping he could get me to comply. It was a good try on his part because he knows I'm a rule follower. He also knows that I hate it when I accidentally break the rules.

I smiled and told my ex and his supervised visitation therapist that maybe things would change in the future and my son would agree to see him again. I wished them a great night as I turned to leave.

The jewel-toned fabrics have an indescribable subtle sheen and the background fabric is enhanced with a white-on-white print.

 

Abuse works best when it is personal. Putting all these details together, delivered with disapproval, makes an effective, emotionally destructive weapon. No matter how small the microaggression, it's an opportunity to continue pushing the survivor down.

Every interaction is an opportunity for an abuser to add another layer of disapproval to someone's behavior. Unfortunately, the target is typically any information that holds the abuser accountable, highlights a flaw of theirs, or makes them look inferior to their partner.

It wears you down so much that you stop putting in effort, and you're scared to make the wrong move. The abusers expectations change constantly, and more drastically as the previous goal they set is approached.

It's exhausting, isolating, and the abuser is the only support. This can lead to thoughts of self-harm for survivors, because being in an abusive relationship can be confusing and overwhelming for reasons that are incredibly difficult to identify if you don't know what you're looking for.

It's important to me to spread awareness of abuse and abusive tactics and behaviors, because informing people of something that can help them live their best and most fulfilling lives according to what they value is what makes being a therapist such a great fit.

A different perspective

Purchase this quilt here

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If you are in an abusive relationship, please call your local domestic violence hotline to get help with getting out immediately. Counselors and support are available to guide you through the exit process and help you begin your recovery. If you are struggling with thoughts of hurting yourself, reach out; call 988 to speak with a counselor or someone else you trust.