Happy and clueless in our 20's. Good times. L to R - Me, our father, and my sister Jenni. 

 

Jenni is my older sister. I recently got the news that she passed away; It was completely unexpected, and has left everyone who knows her in shock.

I always hated it when people misspelled it with a “y” instead of an “i” at the end.

I felt so protective of her. I felt that from her, too. I was never able to fully understand what caused that energy between us, though I do know our empathy for the world was one of the few things we shared.

As the years went on, we drifted apart.

We pursued our individual careers, in different states. and sometimes different countries. We both found ourselves in marriages, then divorced, then remarried, on our individual timelines. Our lifestyles did not have a lot of common, and we didn't have many overlapping interests; she was a sharp-brained engineer who knew math that I didn't know existed.

Don't get me wrong, a solid algebra brain teaser is always welcome, but I have have to invest an obserd amount of energy to keep up with her. I've never stop pursing creativity, sewing, art, and now mental health, which may have defined some unexpected boundaries between us. Honestly, though, we thought of each other constantly.

We would send each other postcards from our adventures, her's from all over the world, and mine mostly highlighted our home town. Although I did take a trip cross country to help a friend move to the west coast-ish, where I snagged a few cool ones. 

Torn between "Flight," "Bird," and "Book." 

 

I made this wall hanging primarily using fabric she brought me from her travels to places in far-off lands. 

When I think about Jenni, I think about how much she liked to read. And she was really good at reading. Her vocabulary was astonishing. She always loved books. I designed it to have strong dynamic movement, almost as though the "book" is "flying."  

The magic of creative expression; it's your unique vision that, no matter how it's built, becomes art. 

Another shine-through strength was home decor. I mean, she was spot on. She could figure out clever ways to reuse things, or get rid of them—typically when it came to addressing my clutter issues. Her house looked just... beautiful. Coordinated and everything sort of flowed.

Yeah, she was pretty amazing.

I chose a white-on-white print spanning the piece horizontally to contrast the angled asymetry.

 

She was always helping me thrive in my life. The thing I remember most about her is how she would constantly challenge me to be better. Just non-stop.

This one time, she was moving out of the country for work and couldn't take her couch, so she made a deal with me: she'd ship the furniture, but not to our parents' house.

It worked! I became an apartment tenant as fast as I could and moved out of my parents' house. The following week, I got my first set of living room furniture. I still have photos of that couch. It was so ugly! Which is what made it great.

Just such a supporter. There were times when it felt critical, and at some point, I usually realized my downfall in the situation. She pushed exactly to the point of no return, then knew when to back off. She was hard to impress and would upgrade the target without warning.

During the time leading up to her unexpected and tragic passing, our interactions were minimal. It seemed as though something was stopping her from opening up and being authentic. I didn't want to aggravate her by asking what was wrong too many times, so I figured it was better not to keep asking.

Maybe I should have, because perhaps the push I always felt from her was barely strong enough to feel it. Growing up together I saw parts of what she had experienced, and I wish I had the courage to push back and get her to open up. I generally encourage everyone to see a therapist because it provides stability, no matter how healthy you are, and I offered the same advice to her.

Entirely hand stitched.

 

The point is that her death has pushed me to try something new once again and let it take me where it goes.

The latest effort is creating this blog: it's about therapy adventures, difficult conversations, abuse/trauma/domestic violence awareness and education, dealing with complex emotions, integrating creativity, connecting the creative process, and whatever else I may be inspired to write about.

I'm simply expressing myself authentically and going with the flow. 

Our last photo together.

She is the first of the generational clan to pass. It was just such a surprise.

I have taken some time to grieve her loss, and it has been a bit more intense than I thought it would be, so this is the first time I'm speaking of it publicly.

It may have actually strengthened my relationship with my father. I've heard that death can do that, and it makes sense with much more clarity, having experienced it myself. 

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Jenni,

You're greatly missed. As long as I have anything to do with anything, no one will even consider forgetting you. I promise to continue celebrating your life and the memories we share.

Love Carrie