I've been asked why I went back to school to change my career, and there are two reasons. I am encompassing my authenticity and trying to shed some light on sex from a mental health standpoint. I'm not the first to notice the dysfunction, and I want to do something about it. 

After completing the MSW program in '24. Photo by Jeff Turof.

Looking back on my life, observing the story arcs, it became apparent how sexual dysfunction can ripple through our lives. My goodness, we are a sexually dysfunctional bunch, are we not?

We struggle with healthy communication, and when we can't communicate with one another, it weakens our intimacy. That is Highway 69 to No Sex County--(see what I did there, “Highway 69”? Yes, I am easily amused). This often happens because we have ineffective or detrimental coping mechanisms; it's a scary place to be within a marriage. 

That was my life with my ex, and at some point in the marriage, sex became less of a priority. The irony is that my ex is a sex addict. Sex addiction is a process addiction, versus a substance addiction. Addictions show up in different ways, and for him, it meant chronic infidelity and multiple secret masturbation sessions daily while avoiding intimacy with me. His addiction probably resulted from his childhood trauma after forced sexual contact with his mother. He never opened up about it because he was also hiding darker secrets, one of which landed him in criminal court. 

The ripple continued. I found out my ex-MIL did this to my ex when my son disclosed her unwanted sexual contact to me. After looking at the larger picture and including what I know about abusers, it means my ex knew his mother was doing that to my son, and he let it happen. Once I learned the facts of the abuse, I seriously began to wonder how the fuck we got here! We need to turn this thing around. We are in desperate need of some sexual health insight.

Summer of '25

Let's embrace the basics. 

You are sexy. Yes, YOU! To all people on planet earth: You are BEAUTIFUL! Do YOU! Your partner finds you SAF! Seriously! Sexy. As. Fuck. If your partner does not tell you how sexy you are every day, leave them and find someone else who will worship the ground you walk on. They are out there! Don't give up or settle for anything less than what you deserve.

Open up, and be vulnerable. If they do not want to have the kids-house-marriage-family-lifestyle conversation, they are not ready. Do not let them promise a conversation tomorrow, next week, or next month. They are putting it off. Intimate relationships need open, honest communication. So that means you will need to be accessible and trust your partner with your vulnerability and closely held secrets. This is supposed to be your person; your go-to; your trust center; the person who always has your back.

Reciprocation is required. Don't be the one who is making the relationship successful. Each partner contributes 100%, not 50%. We need to recalibrate our behavior, come back down to earth, and re-examine the role of the most important person in our lives: our romantic partners. Kindness is starting our day with compliments, not criticism, and supporting one another through it all. This is not chivalry, this is necessity. Shared household chores, shared responsibilities, and shared future-making are all essential to a healthy relationship. Someone who has your back unconditionally, and that you enjoy spending time with, because liking them is just as important as loving them. 

I loooove talking about sex. Simply talking about it often turns into doing it. That emotional engagement, the eye contact, and authentic expression are all just jam-packed with sexiness. Join your partner in a space where you are equally interested in sexually satisfying one another.

Then there is the kissing. Isn't kissing great? You're so close to each other that your vision blurs, and you can feel the warm breath of your partner on your skin. It's so sexy. I love putting my hands on my partner's cheeks when we kiss. Well, okay, I was referring to the face, but either set of cheeks is fine, really. 

Why do we have so much trouble asking for what we want? Or talking about turn-ons? Or articulating our feelings? Our sexual appetites shift as our lives grow and we mature, and you can't anticipate how someone's sexual interests will change. The idea is that the love you have for one another outweighs any sexual challenges, using open communication and dialogue. This means your sex life will remain active and plentiful.

The cycle continues. So then, how do we teach, talk, and engage with our children about sex in the healthiest way if we aren't even there yet? The way you treat your partner is how your child will treat their partner. Responding to our partners' needs respectfully manifests more respect in the relationship. Your children are paying very close attention to you, and it becomes how they treat everyone else. The way you talk in general, and to them, about sex will be how they talk to their children about it.

Sexual health blankets an enormous part of our lives, on several different levels. Sexual health can be scary because, like many adulting activities, if we are not given the opportunity to learn the skills, we don't have the knowledge to pass them along. Dropping the fear that they will misappropriate the new knowledge is a critical step.

Encourage body exploration. This is the perfect icebreaker. Talk to them when they are 6 or 7 (HA! 6-7 is all the rage in my house right now. Right, it's funny because it is the age... right, OK, you get it.) about exploring their body, which will lead to engaging in outercourse–self-satisfaction formerly called masturbation. Ask them if they have touched every part of their body, and how sometimes the touch feels better in specific places. Offer vague stimulation suggestions such as, "Have you taken some time to explore your vagina/penis/genitals?" Remind them they can experiment with their body as often as they want; they need to do it in privacy: windows, shades, and doors closed.

Especially the girls. Being comfortable with their bodies is the first step to knowing themselves sexually. Check in with them about their outercourse progress. Remind them you don't want details of the stimulation, simply that they are discovering themselves, and they've successfully climaxed. The moment they say they have, back way off, and let them ask you the questions. This will set the precedent for the language about sex, our bodies, and romantic relationships. 

Talk to your children about sex in an honest and confident way, offering them insight and advice on their curiosities. Confidence with the language will breed confidence in them to ask you anything they may feel is embarrassing. If they have a question, answer it as if you're teaching them to add two and two, or as if you're offering advice on sports or school assignments. Normalize the language so they will feel safe asking you about it. Make sure you don't laugh or offer a sarcastic answer because they are trusting you with their deepest vulnerability. 

Buy them protection. They're going to have sex much earlier than you think, and the decision to do it with or without a condom will be made depending on whether they have one or not. Don't let the inconvenience of the condoms get in the way of an unplanned pregnancy or infection that will change the course of their lives. Let them pick out what they want, and restock with happiness; it means they're using the protection.

That's the bridge you have to cross, not the “stop them from having sex” bridge. Did it stop you? It does not matter what sex or gender your child is; the more prepared they are with protection, the better. Having sex without protection invites more complicated responsibilities, so providing it for them is one step closer to them using it. Buy them condoms, dental guards, and birth control! Create a safe space for them. Equip them with the tools and knowledge they need to make informed decisions.

Create an environment where they feel comfortable asking about anything. Anything. I would feel much better giving them the correct answer rather than researching what it means aimlessly on a social media platform and making contact with a predator. They decided to ask you, so honor that, and they will return for more advice. Maybe they heard about oral sex and want to know what it is. Explain that it's either putting their mouth on their partner's genitals or allowing their partner to make oral contact with their genitals, followed by explaining the risks and rewards. Then, when they are presented with a situation where the knowledge is useful, they will incorporate the guidelines of consent and make the decision that best suits them. 

Healthy sex is fun and wildly entertaining. Keep being your sexy self!