Rainbow Diamond

Right. Like I was saying, I can't force ideas on myself. But when they come to fruition, the blossom is beautiful. So, with that said, don't expect any consistency. I plan on posting when inspiration strikes.

One of the most common things I talk about in sessions is abusive behaviors: how to recognize them and what to do about them.

The reason I talk about it so much with my clients is that there is no "How to feel your emotions" class in school, which means that if you don't learn how to control your anger or to trust your partner at home, you don't have any exposure to the behaviors or the solution.

This leaves us vulnerable to abusers to take advantage of us, but there's a problem: the abuse is hidden and disguised as love. It's difficult to explain because the abuse is structured well and woven into your life. Why am I telling you this? Because I was in an abusive relationship for 15 years, and I had no idea.

No idea. 

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I was deeeeply in love with this man. This man was badmouthing me, lying to me, mentally, emotionally, and sexually abusing me by showing constant disapproval of my decisions, regularly serving insults, and staying critical of my every move. It just goes on and on.

Then why did I stay so long? That is a multi-part series with references and subtexts; however, in essence, it's because the abuser has control of the household and typically includes the finances. This is the one resource that changes almost everything.

It was an awful experience, and I became so beaten down. When everything aligned and the opportunity to leave him arrived, I found myself completely alone because he isolated me from my support system. The only people in my life were people I knew through him, and they all dropped me like a bag of hammers.

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So I reached out to the people who ultimately saved my life. 

Abusers are so good at what they're doing because they've been practicing their whole life, and they cycle through their social crowd as their friends recognize the abuse.

I've done the work, and looking back on it makes me chuckle because he spent so much time and energy thinking about ways to complicate my life, and it was the only time in my life that I became serious about ending my life. Why did he do it? Because he wanted someone else to experience the pain that his mother caused him. It is often the romantic partner who picks up the slack. 

The formula is simple; it's just a matter of seeing the behaviors and naming them.

So, I'm going to share some of my lived experiences as his partner.

And, it's personal stuff.

That's because, to be effective, abuse must be personal and hit where it hurts, which means they need to know the smallest details, which are cataloged and utilized as needed. They work hard at this shit. 

I will share a quick story describing the last time I saw him. Well, not true. I saw him in public about a year ago. I will rename this our last interaction.

I was picking my son up from the weekly supervised visitation he had with his father. As I was reaching for my phone to check my calendar, my ex announced that my son told him he no longer wants to visit him, in that accusatory "don't bother" tone I had forgotten about since we split.

I got my phone back in my pocket just as my ex began aggressively reminding me that visitation is required, which it isn't. I smiled and told my ex and his supervised visitation therapist that maybe things would change in the future and my son would agree to see him again. I wished them a great night as I turned to leave. 

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It was a good try on his part because he knows I'm a rule follower. He also knows that I hate it when I accidentally break the rules. It was also a great opportunity for him to add to his repeated disapproval of my behavior; that is, behavior that in any way holds him accountable, highlights a flaw, or makes him look worse than me. 

Abuse works best when it is personal. Putting all these details together, delivered with disapproval, makes a great, emotionally destructive weapon. No matter how small the microaggression, it's an opportunity to continue pushing you down.

It wears you down and turns into negative self-beliefs. You stop trying to improve because their expectations change constantly as you get closer to the goal. This makes you feel like you are treading water without support. 

All of these reasons and more are why it is critical to spread awareness of abuse and abusive tactics. 

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If you are in an abusive relationship, please call your local domestic violence hotline to get help with getting out immediately. Counselors and support are available to guide you through the exit process and help you begin your recovery.  

If you are struggling with thoughts of hurting yourself, please call 988 to speak with a counselor. Reaching out to someone you trust for support. That is not only the best thing you can do for yourself, but it is also the most effective. Reach out for help because you are not alone.